natalie fattty sparaccio

Fuck livejournal nobody reads it. My new way of venting is much more rewarding. Or at least it will be one day. Within a few years, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Peace.

i dont miss high school, i miss theatre guild and knowing the faces of and saying hi to every other person in the hallway.... teachers included.

I'm an attention whore.

I remember sitting in the third seat from the front and the second seat from the left with the morning sun shining through the language arts class room. Mrs. Allen was standing in the corner next to the phone in front of us with her arms folded and had trouble making eye contact with us. I'm pretty sure "a plain hit the World Trade Center" is exactly how she worded it. Everything after that is a blur now except for the feeling of fear I never felt before and couldn't shake for a while after that- a feeling that still comes over me like a gust of wind whenever I happen to think about the things that are more vivid. Like the newspaper being ten times thicker and half of my family having at least one week everyday for about a month. I remember my grandpa leaving the house with forest green boots to work at ground zero and coming home with them covered in black soot. With the unity it forced upon us for quite sometime, I honestly didn't know whether to feel safer than ever or scared for my life. It sounds disturbing, but I miss when the anniversaries were just as upsetting as the day it happened. I guess having a whole country to mourn with really makes you feel as united as we're supposed to be. What hasn't changed though is that every year I hear stories about how people found out. So I wonder, if we all remember the exact time and place and the weather and what we were wearing and who told us and how just three years short of a decade later, it's obviously not that hard to forget.

apparently people read my livejournal, but no one ever comments. that isn't okay. i've been working every single day going back and forth from one job to the next. all my friends are gone, but there isn't a doubt in my mind that the distance is going to do us good. i think i'm testing my time management skills a little too much it's making me explode with OCD. i highly regret going to nassau while i could be away but i have a very strong feeling that something good is going to come out of it besides an education and money. maybe a boy lollllll. i'm applying to new paltz, binghamton, and buffalo as soon as i'm advised to do so. i went crazy with my hair and i resemble that of a rock star. i had the best summer of my life. it's not where you are it's who you're with. everything felt right- on june 21st it felt like summer was starting, now it's september 1st and it feels like it's ending and school is starting. i usually cry at the thought of another summer ending and another school year starting but i haven't complained once. it feels good to be able to just go with the flow from time to time. i underestimate the importance of sleep. i'm gonna go to bed.

this is all too surreal

i think what i'm going to miss most about summer nights is the smell

I told my mom I would take Lili for a walk when I got home from the chiropractor since it was beautiful out this morning (I always find an excuse not to walk her when the weather it anything but perfect). The clouds got darker as I approached my house and the breeze got cooler. I still got my IPod, the leash, my dog, and the intension to make a full walk around the block. It drizzled the second I walked out the door, but halfway around the block I could really feel the rain and hear the thunder through my headphones. When I looked ahead and saw lightning come from the clear sky I asked myself aloud what I was doing. Then I felt a warm breeze move across my feet. I realized the no matter the temperature, there's always a weird and different kind of warmth when it rains. I'm not meteorologist but I'm sure there's some kind of scientific reason for it. Whatever the cause, I think that's what I like most about the rain and what kept me out. When I got back to my block I noticed my cat that was trailing behind me the whole time was gone and my dog was almost dripping wet. I laughed a little because I never considered how comfortable she might be with walking in the rain. I was comfortable, though, and apparently that's all that mattered. More lighting struck down and I laughed a little more. And more. What the fuck? The Sound of Settling came on my IPod. I don't know the actual meaning of it but after an extremely emotional night then getting this sense of comfort through a rainy walk, I found a significance. Music always knows how to read my mind- right then especially because the song ended the very second my hand reached for the doorknob. I dont' know, maybe my mind is just too active for my own good.

You know how apparently you learn something new everyday? I've been learning a lot about myself lately, so I think I'm going to share it with the world. Shall we begin?

I strong believe that everything happens for a reason. In the moment it's always hard to imagine why we deserve such discomfort, but somewhere down the road the puzzle pieces get laid down and then we understand. For example, I never worried about the way this summer has been going because I knew eventually something would tell me why it's been a little more dramatic and chilled out and relaxed  and nocturnal than others. I've grown to love it's lack of strenuous activity and sun because it's given me a chance to take a step back and realize things I wouldn't have otherwise. I took that first step back the week before prom when a certain group of friends and I started hanging out every day. The way found watching the nights turn into mornings from a backyard or an elementary school an acceptable way to make up for four years worth of lost time kind of opened my eyes to the whole situation. I've always been in denial over who my real friends were but today it kind of just hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm not that crazy about myself, but I know what I deserve and some of the people I've been waiting around for are not it. I'm done trying as hard as I can to be people's friends because the one's that matter don't even have to try, they're just there. The saddest part is I know who I'm going to lose and gain out of this. It's like some of the bricks I take right to the face but some of them I dodge and go all "I don't give a shit" on it. I wish didn't give a shit about any bricks. Moving on from metaphors! It kind of sucks that these have been my real friends all long, but it's awesome because even though it took me this long to come to my senses, they're still here the way they always have been and we still have have plenty of those nocturnal, fun loving, spontaneous, summer nights to make the most of it.

I don't know why but wasted time has always scared me. I devote a purpose to every step I take and if in the end I feel like there was no purpose to it I make one up just to make myself feel better. Today I came back to my dad's house after work without realizing I don't have a house key, so I was stuck alone in a backyard in Freeport for about an hour. My book and IPod were inside so I used the time to tan. Eventually I came close to running out of water and really did start sweating like a beast. I figured that couldn't be too healthy so I chilled in my car with the AC and pretzels. I started thinking about what reason I could make up for staying in the car while I could be tanning, because sustaining hydration wasn't productive enough to please me. I continued to think until I spotted a spider leg on the ceiling. It's been there for a while because it wasn't too noticeable and when it was I laughed because it reminded me of a certain someone that I would rather not be reminded of anymore, so I immediately took a tissue and threw it out the door. After I did, I saw a squirrel directly above me on the garage roof staring at me. I ignored it, but since it was still looking at me when I got back in the car I became curious as to how long it would take for it to go attack a bird or something. I mean, squirrels are pretty ADD. But anyway, we were staring each other down for a good two minuets before I got weirded out and threw a shirt over my face. I took it off to find the squirrel absolutely no where in sight. I looked around for it really intently too. The last time I had an encounter with a nonhuman like that my family dubbed it the animal form of my dead uncle. The first thing I thought to myself was how ridiculous it would be if I ended up with a squirrel tattoo.

There were a lot of reasons for staying in the car I could've used for my whole mental issue, but somewhere between my first glance at the squirrel and depending on my feet to control the radio like the lazy shit I am trying not to be, I decided productivity is overrated.